Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Alane's LiveJournal:

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Monday, November 9th, 2009
7:56 pm	Chasing Daylight We all have dreams Expectations of how life will go But time passes We all grow up Life dulls our senses Kills our spirit of adventure Dreams are forgotten What are we missing? Current Music: Caedmon's Call (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 24th, 2009
9:08 pm	A Little Scared AKA "Have I Bitten Off More Than I Can Chew?" A young couple (like 19-ish young) started coming to Centerpoint in July or August with their 8-month-old baby boy. They weren't married at the time (now they are), they are living with friends and the three of them share a bedroom with another girl in the tiny house she lives in with her parents near the church. They both smoke, have no car, are jobless and have been on unemployment for several months (although to them some credit they have both been actively looking for work unlike *ahem* others we know). So for whatever reason over the past month I've struck up a friendship with these people (probably because of their baby). I give them rides to church events, I watched their baby overnight so they could go on a honeymoon of sorts, things like that. I know their living situation is not ideal, but recently it has started getting much, much worse (with the people they live with threatening to call CPS on them if they don't put their baby on a schedule, etc.). So, last week, I uttered the same famous words I said to Jessica (my current roommate/squatter, i.e. not renter), "Well, if things get worse and you find yourself with no other place to go, it would be okay if you came and slept in my living room for a couple weeks or so." And the next thing I knew they were making plans to move in after the first of October...which is when they get their unemployment checks. Unlike others, they said they'd give me $150 (which, for sleeping on the couch in someone's living room I guess isn't too bad). I immediately laid out rules - no drinking/drugs/(inside) smoking, no guns in the house, etc. They're really nice people, and they've already listened to me complain about my other roommate for the past several weeks, so I know they'll pitch in with chores and such, I'm just not sure how things will work out with a) having people living/sleeping in my living room and b) having five people living in a little condo with only one shower. I'm just too nice for my own good - when I see people with a need, especially within the body of Christ, I can't help but try and meet it if there's any way I can. [But if this is God's will, why don't I feel more at peace about it? I've just felt incredibly anxious for the past several days.] Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Mark Schultz (Comment on this)
Monday, August 31st, 2009
9:50 am	The Condiment Drawer I have this drawer in my kitchen where I keep ziploc bags, and I also keep packets of ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise there since a) I don't like to waste them if I have leftovers from fast food and b) If I ever run out of any of the aforementioned condiments, I can just use one of the packets. So last week I was emptying the dish washer, and I started chatting with my room mate. Me: "So this is the condiment drawer, just in case you ever have a condiment emergency." Her: [interest suddenly peaked] "What???" Me: "Yeah, like if we run out of any condiments..." Her: "Really???" Me: "Yeah...like if we've out of ketchup or mayonnaise...you know." Her: "Ohhh...I thought you said CONDOM emergency..." Me: "No, actually I try to discourage that kind of thing in my house..." Current Mood: amused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
9:22 pm	More Beautiful You Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine Says she wants to look that way But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake And she’s always felt overweight Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see That beauty is within your heart And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair Are perfect just the way they are There could never be a more beautiful you Defy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do So there could never be a more beautiful you Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done Anything to get ahead And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan Only wants what you will do instead Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come You starve yourself to play the part But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are There could never be a more beautiful you Defy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do So there could never be a more beautiful you So turn around you’re not too far To back away be who you are To change your path go another way It’s not too late you can be saved If you feel depressed with past regrets The shameful nights hope to forget Can disappear they can all be washed away By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs Can rid your fears dry all your tears And change the way you look at this big world He will take your dark distorted view And with His light He will show you truth And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl There could never be a more beautiful you Defy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do So there could never be a more beautiful you There could never be, a more beautiful you. Current Music: Jonny Diaz (Comment on this)
Friday, August 21st, 2009
7:39 am	Santa Barbara I went to Santa Barbara last week for a friend's wedding. I haven't been in Santa Barbara for nearly a year and the last time I went to Westmont was September 2005. Going to Westmont this time was very bittersweet. It made me really sad. Not necessarily sad like I wanted to go back to my days at Westmont, although maybe a little bit. I think it was more sadness for the loss of a dream. When I was a student at Westmont that last year, I had the promise of med school in front of me. The only thing I had to worry about was eating. If I had known then what I know now, how I completely threw away my chance at completing my dream, I would have been devastated. Just like I am now. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 25th, 2009
6:57 pm	How I live my life This morning I had an agenda for my day: get a prescription filled, go shopping at a few different places, deposit checks at the bank, hang out at Coffee Bean for a while. As I drove up the hill to CVS in Grand Terrace (my first stop) my car began catching and the check engine light started flashing. I made it to the pharmacy but decided I'd better get the car checked before heading anywhere else. And then the place I decided to take it to is, wouldn't you know, closed on Saturdays (this is Loma Linda). With the check engine light still intermittantly blinking and the car catching anytime the road is even slightly inclined upwardly, I decide I better just head home, rather than get stranded somewhere. Now, there are a lot of things that I could do at home, in fact a lot of things I need to go. Straighten things up downstairs, clean the upstairs bathroom, empty out my extra bedroom, put away my laundry, work out. But instead, with my original plans foiled, I decide to sleep. All afternoon. For more then four hours (and this after I just slept in past 11am). And now, after finally getting up, I am left thinking...is this how I live my life? Med school doesn't work, so I (quite literally) sleep the year away...even now, realizing that med school probably won't work again this year, I have already become more bitter, angry, and hurt, been sleeping a lot more, and eating a lot less. What is the point of a life lived this way? It seems like there isn't one. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Held (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
4:52 pm	Loss Every so often it hits me just how much I've lost. Today was one of those days. I've lost more than eight of my very best friends in the past two months. And will be losing two more in another month or so. And every time I think of all my friends who moved away for residency this year, it just emphasizes the fact that I am not finished with med school like I should be, I haven't just started my residency, I have basically nothing to show for the past four years except a bunch of debt. I met with Dr. Werner this morning, and he said he's pretty sure the class is already full. Which is not something that I didn't know was a possability, but it was still hard to hear. I have no idea what I'll do with myself this year if I don't get back into med school. I am already so bored all the time. I go to bed at 6 or 7:00 just because I have nothing else to do. And I've been so anxious lately that I've been pulling out tons of my hair, which makes the hair that's left look bad. Part of it is the unknown, i.e. whether I get back into med school or not. Current Mood: sad Current Music: MercyMe (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 7th, 2009
7:49 am	Just what I needed An email from AMSA telling me "As a benefit of AMSA membership, you can continue your membership through your residency program-FREE." So far they're sending me one every month. Just another reminder that I'm not where I should be. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Monday, April 13th, 2009
1:24 am	When I Survey the Wondrous Cross When I survey the wondrous cross on which the Prince of Glory died; my richest gain I count but loss, and pour contempt on all my pride. Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast, save in the death of Christ, my God; all the vain things that charm me most, I sacrifice them to his blood. See, from his head, his hands, his feet, sorrow and love flow mingled down. Did e'er such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown. Were the whole realm of nature mine, that were an offering far too small; love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 6th, 2009
8:44 pm	Pretty in pink Today I took the 3-month-old baby girl that I watch to the bank with me. I had dressed her in a little pink outfit with flowers on it. The line was pretty long at the bank, so I started chatting with the lady in line behind me. After we'd been talking for several minutes, she asked how old the baby was, and then followed that question by, "Is it a boy or a girl?" I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything for a minute, and sensing that something was amiss the lady upped her powers of observation and suddenly realized, "Oh, she's in pink, of course it's a girl". If you actually want to know something like the gender of someone's baby, wouldn't you at least do a cursory check for obvious clues before asking??? (It was funny though). Current Mood: complacent (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 29th, 2009
4:21 pm	Catch 22 In the evenings I am so depressed I can't handle being at home. So I go to Coffee Bean so I don't sit at home crying hysterically for hours. But then I drink coffee (or an ice blended mocha anyway), which, although caffeine does not usually affect my ability to sleep, it apparently does when I have no drugs. So, do I sit home and cry for hours, and then hope I'll exhaust myself and be able to sleep at a normal hour, or do I go to Coffee Bean, have a half-way decent evening (read: survive), then stay up half the night... Hmm, my options are just great... Current Mood: cynical (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 26th, 2009
5:24 pm	Be careful what you wish for On Monday I decided I wanted to lose weight. On Tuesday and Wednesday it was all I thought or talked about. Last night I became almost deathly ill with the stomach flu and have not been able to keep anything down since, with the exception of about 5 strawberries, 4 potato chips, and some juice. I have literally lost 4 pounds over night (I know a lot of it's water weight, but still hopefully some of it will stay off). But was it worth it? No... (Comment on this)
Monday, March 23rd, 2009
7:25 pm	The icing on the cake As if everything else weren't enough already, I discovered today that I have used the maximum allowable prescription coverage from Risk Management for this school year. Which means that they won't cover any more prescriptions of any kind until July 1. So I can either pay $1000+/month for prescriptions or go without until then. Hmm, let's see, pay for prescriptions or make my mortgage payment each month. Now that's a tough decision to make... As it is, I was barely surviving on my steady diet of Seroquel. I have 12 pills left. Isn't this just a little bit cruel, God? Current Mood: morose (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 18th, 2009
7:44 pm	My very own bubble I wish I could live inside a bubble, with all my friends and family and the people I love inside, and then I'd build a giant wall around it, and no one could go in and no one could go out. And then nothing would ever change. And then I'd be happy. Maybe... Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
9:39 pm	Guilt I always feel guilty about something, all the time. Either about something that I’m doing, or not doing, or should’ve done, or all of the above. When I went to Disneyland last month I felt guilty the whole time because the admission tickets cost so much. I felt guilty for buying anything inside the park because everything is so expensive (over the course of 3 days, with three people, we spent a total of just $33 outside of admission costs, probably because of this overwhelming sense of guilt). I felt sorry for the employees who have to work there everyday operating rides over and over again, dancing Highschool Musical again and again (no, I didn’t watch that), and cleaning up after people who are too lazy to walk three feet and put their trash in a garbage can. And the sheer decadence of it all made me feel just a little – sick? Disgusted? Sad? Something like that – that Americans can spend so much for all this opulence, when people in other countries, heck, people in our own country, go without food, clean water, basic healthcare… When I go to bed early I feel guilty for wasting so much of my life sleeping. When I stay up late I feel guilty for wasting time that I could be sleeping. When I watch TV, spend time on the internet, journal, go to a coffee shop, I feel guilty because none of these things (basically nothing that I do) is anything. None of these things matters, or betters me in any way, or makes any difference in my life. When I’m not studying I feel guilty because I should be. When I am studying I feel guilty because I should be exercising. When I’m exercising I feel guilty because I really should be studying, or spending time with God. When my house isn’t perfect, I feel guilty because I’m not cleaning it. But when I clean it I feel guilty because it takes me so long. When my car isn’t clean I feel guilty for not taking better care of it. But when I take it to get washed/vacuumed I feel guilty for spending money (all $8 of it). When I do actually spend time praying or reading my Bible, I feel guilty because my mind wanders so much, and because I don’t do it more, and because I’m not better at it. If I don’t take a shower every day, I feel guilty because I should have and my hair might look dirty. But if I take a shower every day, I feel guilty for using more water and increasing my electric bill. I feel guilty anytime I am home if I’m not playing with or holding or petting my kittens, because I know they love me and they get lonely when I’m gone and I should spend more time with them. I always worry when I brush my teeth because if I brush them too hard it will brush off the enamel, but if I don’t brush them enough they won’t be clean. I feel guilty for not going to the dentist every 6 months, but whenever I do go to the dentist I feel especially guilty because of how much it costs and there’s never anything wrong with my teeth anyway (although I do know that it’s good for them to be cleaned). I feel guilty if I drink tap water because I’ve heard that the Colton water might cause birth defects, but I also feel guilty if I drink bottled water because it’s a waste of money and plastic. I feel guilty if I buy anything but the least expensive one of any item (i.e. generic canned peaches instead of name brand). In fact I always feel guilty when I go to the grocery store because I feel guilty for spending money. I feel guilty when I babysit because I don’t always have the energy to play with the kids as much as they want me to. I feel guilty anytime I drive my car because I’m putting mileage on it.   And that is my life. Current Mood: guilty (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 5th, 2008
8:32 pm	Spoke too soon Last month when I went hiking in Big Bear with some friends from work we decided to stop for pizza on the way home. We were all really hungry so we stopped at this Italian place in Big Bear called Paoli’s Country Kitchen. When we walked in they seated us right away, which seemed surprising for a party of 8. So we had ordered and had been waiting for a while (I’m not sure how long, maybe 20 or 30 minutes), when my friend Melanie started talking about how bad the service was. And I was like, “Oh, I hadn’t noticed, what’s so bad about it?” And literally seconds after I said that this waitress (not ours) came and sat this bag of take home leftover boxes on our table, and when we told her it wasn’t ours, she grabbed it so quickly she spilled a glass of water all over the table and right on my digital camera and cell phone! Of course we had no napkins (they hadn’t even brought us any place settings yet) so I stood up and said, “Does anybody have any napkins?” and one of the other patrons said, “I don’t think anyone’s gotten any!” So I ran to the kitchen and told them what happened and asked for some (which they gave me), but no one even came to help us clean up. It took way over an hour for our food to come, and then they’d gotten Jennifer and my pizza wrong (we were sharing and they brought the two of us this teensy personal pizza…at least they didn’t charge us for it though). All I can say is that’s definitely one place I don’t need to eat at again. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
8:51 pm	Tonight at work I was playing this game called "Looking Good" with one of the higher functioning (Asperger's) autistic kids I work with, 10-year-old B. This game asks question like, "What should one consider when buying a new pair of shoes?" "What are three bathroom safety rules?" "Why is it important to exercise?" etc. Anyway, the card B. drew asked, "Name an article of clothing that is difficult to put on by yourself." B. pondered the question for a second, then said, "Well, this is kinda gross, and it has to do with girls, but I just have to say it. A bra!" (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 9th, 2008
12:34 pm	One Pure and Holy Passion Give me one pure and holy passion And give me one magnificent obsession Give me one glorious ambition for me life To know and follow hard after you. To know and follow hard after you To grow as your disciple in your truth This world is empty, pale, and poor Compared to knowing you my Lord Lead me on and I will run after you Lead me on and I will run after you (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 6th, 2008
9:39 pm	At work on Tuesday On Tuesday night I was working with two of our more higher functioning girls, E and M. We were playing the game Trouble (similar to Parcheesi or Sorry), where you have to get a specific number in order to move a pawn out of start, in this case a 6. And since this particular version of Trouble is the travel version, the dice is inside a clear plastic "bubble" that you press to roll/bounce the dice on your turn. Well, for whatever reason, M could not seem to get a 6 (even though the rest of us had already moved several of our pawns around the board and into home already) and she was getting frustrated and started hitting the plastic bubble. So I started talking about appropriate vs. inappropriate ways of expressing frustration, i.e. this is inappropriate because you might break the game. And E pipes up and says she thinks it is appropriate, and furthermore decides to share that today at school she got frustrated and so she started banging and pounding on the windows with her fists, and she feels that was appropriate too. So I started explaining that banging on windows isn't a good idea because the window might break, she could get hurt, etc. And I thought she was really getting it when she said she could stomp her feet instead. But then she clarified and said that no, she meant that she'd use her feet to bang/stomp on the windows instead, because then if they broke she wouldn't get hurt since she wears shoes! Oh well, I give up! (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 2nd, 2008
9:36 pm	"Take my life"... As I sat worshipping next to Amber tonight, singing songs about “Your will, not mine” “Take my life” “All for your glory” etc. I started thinking about what that might actually mean – what it could actually look like. I started thinking, what if my entire life stayed exactly like it is now? Few friends, no husband, no baby, etc. Could I stand it? And just as I started thinking maybe I could, I started thinking of the one set of people who always love me, always support me and be there for me – my parents. And then I started thinking about how they aren’t going to be around forever. And then I truly felt alone. At that point I couldn’t stand it. And that’s when the tears started to flow, right in the middle of worship. (Comment on this)